"Happy Holidays" is for Wimps

I guess every holiday should be appropriately stated. We need to be politically correct and not offend our leftist friends and relatives after all. For instance,

Martin Luther King day? Let's just call it "A certain holiday in January"

New Year's Day= "A certain holiday associated with sports on television". Acceptable greeting: "Happy Corporate Media Exploitation Of the Masses Day"

Memorial Day= "A holiday associated with BBQ and RV's". Acceptable greeting: "Happy three day weekend! Pass the bong."

Independence Day= "A holiday associated with BBQ, RV's and blowing up stuff". Acceptable greeting: See Memorial Day

Labor Day= "A holiday associated with BBQ and RV's". Acceptable greeting: "Workers Of The World, Unite"

Columbus Day= "A holiday associated with BBQ and sailing ships". Acceptable Greeting: (Federal Employees Only- "Happy dead rich white guy who engaged in genocide but who cares we got another paid holiday." Can also be spoken as "HDRWGWEIGBWCWGAPH"

Veterans Day= "A holiday associated with troops we don't really support." Acceptable Greeting: See Memorial Day.

Thanksgiving Day= " a holiday associated with BBQ Turkey and beer" Acceptable Greeting: None required. Keep eating. (Disclaimer: Tofurkey eaters may use Columbus Day Acceptable Greeting, but only after reaching consensus with their cell or cadre.)

Christmas Day= "a holiday associated with holidays." Acceptable Greeting: "I hate crosses and I don't celebrate Christmas."

Birthdays will need to be abolished because they are so age-centric..And it would be too difficult to think up 260 million Acceptable Greetings.