Feb 7, 2006

Glengarry Glen Seahawks

Bill Cowher: Let me have your attention for a moment. "Cause you're talking about, you're talking about, bitchin' about that touchdown the refs called back, some son of a bitch calls offensive pass interference, so forth, let's talk about something important.

Hey you, Hasselbeck. Put that Starbucks coffee down. Coffee's for scorers only. You think I'm F***ing with you? I am not fu***ing with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Paul Allen. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Hasselbeck?

You call yourself a quarterback, you son of a bit**. Over there, you, Hasselback, you don't think you gotta listen to this s**t? You certainly don't pal 'cause the good news is you're fired. The bad news is you got all you got, just one game to regain your job.

Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. "Cause we're adding a little something to this year's Super Bowl. As you all know, first prize is the Vince Lombardi Trophy. Anybody want to see second prize? Second Prize is you're fired. You get the picture?

You laughing now? You got scoring opportunities. Paul Allen paid good money. Get the stars to score touchdowns. You can't score the opportunities you're given, you can't score sh*t, you are sh*t, hit the bricks pal and beat it 'cause you are going out.

Hasselbeck: The referees robbed us with bad calls.

Bill Cowher: The refs robbed you. The f**king refs robbed you? You're weak, I've been in this business 15 years.

Hasselbeck: What's your name?

Bill Cowher: F**K you, that's my name. You know why mister? Cause you drove a Honda Hybrid to get here tonight, I come here with a Vince Lombardi trophy. That's my name. And your name is you're wanting. You can't play in the man's game, you can't score touchdowns? Then go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life. Get the ball over the goal line which is chalked. You hear me?

ABS. A, Always, B, Be, S, Scoring. Always be scoring. Always be scoring. Do I have your attention? Are you interested? I know you are because it's score or walk. You score or you hit the bricks. Have you made your decision for Christ? Get out there. You got scoring opportunities. They're sitting out there waiting for you to score on them. Are you going to score on them? Are you man enough to score? What's the problem, pal?

Hasselbeck: You, Cowher, you're such a hero, how come you're coming down here to Seattle and wasting your time with such a bunch of bums?

Bill Cowher: You see this trophy? You see this trophy?

Hasselbeck: Yeah.

Bill Cowher: That trophy costs more than your Microsoft Windows upgrade. We won five Vince Lombardi trophies. How many Vince Lombardi trophies do you have? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing.

Nice guy? I don't give a sh*t. Good father. F**k you, go home and play with your kids. You want to win the Super Bowl, score. You think this is abuse? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get from the ref's in a Super Bowl.

If you don't like it, leave. I can go out there tonight, the players you got, win myself another Vince Lombardi Trophy. Tonight. In three hours, not including the halftime show. Can you? Can You?

Go and do likewise. Score touchdowns. Get all the bad calls from the referees? Get mad you son of a bitch. Get mad. You know what it takes to win Super Bowls? It takes brass balls to win Super Bowls. The touchdowns are out there, you pick it up. It's yours. You don't, I got no sympathy for you.

You want to go out on that field tonight and score, score, score touchdowns. It's yours. If not, you're going to be shining my shoes. And you know what you'll be saying. Bunch of losers sitting around in a Starbucks: "Oh yeah, I used to be an NFL quarterback. It's a tough racket."

This is the Super Bowl. And to you, it's gold. But you don't get another Super Bowl. Why? Because to put you in another Super Bowl is just throwing it away. Super Bowls are for scorers. I'd wish you good luck, but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it.

And to answer your question, Hasselbeck: Why am I here? I'm here because Paul Allen asked me to, he asked me for a favor. I said the real favor, follow my advice and fire your f**king ass because a loser is a loser.

(With apologies to Glengarry Glen Ross)

1 comment:

activist kaza said...

Hilarious. Canfield, you are a true iconoclast and it's clear we will definitely enjoy that beer together if we can ever bridge the short distance between the mouth of the Gorge and the gorgeous coast.