"I promise to faithfully protect and defend the holiday of Valentines Day. I promise to spend no less than $100 for each recipient on my list of Valentines Day lovers, family members, mistresses, dominatrices, one night stands, high school school crushes, husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, or domestic partners. In the spirit of Valentines Day, I promise not to purchase as a Valentines gift any of the following items: vacuum cleaners, washing machines, dryers, sewing machines, bathroom cleaning supplies, botox injections, fast food restaurant gift certificates, SUV's, private jets, or any other items designated by this stimulus bill as "non-romantic" spending. "
Hidden deep within the stimulus bill is an appropriation of $14 billion dollars for "Valentines Day Gift Rebates". Valentines day users will be able to call a toll-free number and ask for a $100 voucher for reimbursement of any federally approved Valentines gift purchases. However, anyone who fails to sign the Valentines Day Stimulus Oath of Love will be ineligible for the voucher.
(FYI, this is a fantasy. Unfortunately, the "stimulus" is not.)